wandermom

No regrets. Just lessons learned.

Loss June 9, 2013

Filed under: random — youngmomat23 @ 2:18 am

 

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It’s been 5 months and a half since mom passed away. I still find myself in a state of disbelief sometimes. I walk around the house, look at the things she left and then find myself staring straight ahead, in mild shock, realizing that I will never get to see her, talk to her or hear her voice again. There’s no one to text and call “Moms” anymore. No more fetching at the airport, no more shopping in Glorietta, SM Makati and Landmark (her favorite malls), no more Grandma… Tears would sometimes just flow freely, unstoppable…accompanied by this dull ache in my chest. I haven’t gotten over losing her…I never will. 

Her last month was the hardest… Nobody knows how painful it was on my part not to be able to take care of her while she was suffering. People thought that I was just having fun, not caring about a thing while mom was fighting for her life in the hospital. They never acknowledged the fact that I just gave birth 3 days before she was rushed to the hospital. People expected me to be there everyday, a good 2 hour ride (1 if traffic’s not heavy) from our house, my body still far from recovery. As if there was no newborn kid that’s also needing my attention and care. As if I was a superhero. People are unfair like that. 

I wanted to be the one to take care of her. I badly wanted to. But how can I when my wound’s still fresh and bleeding, my insides still trying to return to their pre-pregnancy state (I’m grossing you out, am I not? Lol) Seriously… how dense and unfair can people get?

All right, let’s leave all that bitterness behind. 

I have done mom so many wrongs. I am not proud of it and have regretted it. But I have made peace with myself. I know she had forgiven me as well. How do I know that, you ask? Because we were just laughing about it during our last few conversations. We had time to talk before she left…God gave us that and I will be forever grateful to Him. Those are the moments I treasure the most. I cannot undo what happened, what I’ve done. And most certainly, rubbing it in my face, talking about it over and over, won’t change anything either. So why don’t we all just move on and just let the past be a distant memory? If mom forgave me, why can’t you, you sawsawera and my-lifes-so-perfect you?

Kidding aside…

Thank you mom, for everything. We didn’t have the best relationship, we always disagreed on things, we’ve hurt each other countless times…but I still love you to bits. You are a beautiful person, inside out. You’ve touched so many lives. Thank you for your love and forgiveness. Thank you for taking care of me and for loving me though you had a funny way of showing it. Kidding again. I love you mom. I know that wherever you are, you are now at peace and happy. If I were to say something about your life, I’d say “Job well done”. I love you. I miss you. No goodbyes… just “See you again one day”. (Not too soon okay? Lol)

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