BLAST FROM THE PAST. BLOG ENTRY FROM THE FORGOTTEN YEARS. LOL.
She slowly walks, oblivious to the scorching heat of the sun and the people rushing past her. Her thoughts wander again to the past. It has been a year since he left her. The once heart wrenching pain she had felt for what seemed like forever had gradually subsided to a dull ache of which she is feeling now. This dull ache could still cause her to go into what she calls a mild trance, if there’s such a term. This doesn’t happen very often, only when she sees or hears significant things that would remind her of him. She loved him dearly but he never returned that love. Love unrequited, is perhaps the most painful type of loving. But still, she loved him…
They met one hot afternoon such as this. The year was almost ending, almost close to Christmas season. It started as a casual thing, a playful bantering that led to one, sordid as her friends would call it, affair. He was nursing a broken heart; she volunteered to comfort him for she was deeply attracted to him. It was his beautiful face and his vulnerability that had her smitten. She wanted to take care of him and she hoped that one day, maybe one day, he would fall for her too, if she played her cards right. They talked to each other through text messages and phone calls almost everyday and every night. They talked about everything. She made sure every time that she would always play the role of the girl he wants her to be. She did things that she knew would please him, avoided words that might not be pleasing to his ears, even though there were a lot of times she had disprove of his ways. She just kept the negative thoughts to herself, trying her best to convince her heart that he’s not at all perfect, he has his flaws and she’s willing to accept that. All that and more. She turned into someone she could no longer recognize but she remained blinded for her love for him was too great that she would not easily give it up at the slightest sign of imperfection. Everyday, she would tell herself that it’s not impossible to happen. He was attracted to her. He calls her his “sweetie”. He would text her everyday and tell her he misses her for it was not often that they would see each other. She was walking in clouds. She was all that she had thought her to be in his life until that fateful day…
She didn’t know what urged him to check his account. She just had this sudden impulse and later on regretted why she gave in to that gut feeling.
The pictures. The captions. The look in his eyes, the expression on his face, the undeniable happiness… she felt her world start to crumble. Hot tears stung her eyes and her vision blurred… but she could not erase the images in her head. Why? How? When? She needed answers… but another question remains… Will it lessen the pain once she’s gotten the answers that she needed from him? *sigh*
“hi. U bc?”
“nope. y? missed me? :)”
She felt a tug in her heart as her eyes grew misty with tears… how could he pretend that everything’s ok between them?
“haha. so how’ve you been lately? Dika maxadong nagpaparamdam ah.”
“hehe. sorry po. ok naman ako. Steady lang. :)”
“hehe. mukang masaya ka ah. So, what had been keeping u bc ds past few days? or shud i say who? may bago kang chix noh? hehe. joke. ;p”
Her heart seemed to have stopped beating. She felt numb. She felt cold…
“so… meron nga?
“ummm… kami na ulet. Hehe.”
She trembled and didn’t know how to answer him. Should she tell him how she feels? After all, she hasn’t admitted her feelings to him… because they never talked about what they are actually. Slowly, the tears poured down her face and she couldn’t stop them. She composed her reply, her hands shaking.
“wow! Congrats! Sana maging ok na kayo this time! Alagaan mo nang mabuti ha. Wag mo nang pakawalan hehe. Cge po, may exam pa ko bukas, hav 2 rvw n.Gudluck ulet. I’m so hapi 4u! :)” Send.
The last line was the hardest thing she’d ever said. It was half meant. How could she actually think that he cared for her? How could she assume that they shared the same feelings? How???
Her smile was humorless as she remembered that night. 2 months after that, he and his girlfriend broke up again. She left her for another guy. Tsktsk.
“how ironic…he came running back to me”,she thought.
But it was never the same again. She still tried to win him over but his heart was too broken to think of falling in love again. She became his doormat, she felt used at times…but still she loved him dearly.
It had been a year and she wants to congratulate herself for a job well done. She had come a long way since then. She’s no longer yearning for him. Oh yes, she still loves him but she had given up her hopes of being with him, of being loved by him. Long time ago, she came to the point where she realized that he couldn’t and wouldn’t love her. She had to stop waiting and living in false hopes. It started months ago, and here she is now… almost close to forgetting him. Almost…
She continued to walk. With a heavy sigh, she looked up and saw the bright blue sky… she smiled faintly. “I’ll be over you one day”… she said… and she continued to walk on.