My job is not easy. It’s not easy to hit the quota of 15-21 monitoring per day as each of them needs to be meticulously checked and rechecked before submitting. It’s not easy because there should be no room for error or it will be taken against us. It’s not easy because the policies and guidelines are confusing. But that’s why I loved my job. I loved how it challenges the way I think and decide. Then again somewhere in between, I’ve lost the inspiration and motivation. I am slowly forgetting why I loved going to work. The sole reason why I am able to get up and drag myself to the office everyday is because of my kids. I need to be able to provide. That’s it. And that’s sad.
I am now a wallflower. Someone whose opinion no longer matters. Someone whose tenure is no longer acknowledged. I am just someone that fills a position that can’t be vacated because they can’t afford to hire and train a new analyst. Yes I am that and it friggin’ sucks. To add insult to the injury, I just learned that I was supposed to be given a higher position, but somebody got in the way. What’s ironic is he’s already terminated. I don’t know if I should be thankful that I didn’t get the position because it’s stressful or should I scream and thrash about because it’s friggin’ unfair. Well what good would that do?
I am slowly losing my self belief. My self esteem is at its lowest when I’m in the office. I am all dark and twisted when I am there. The perfect definition of a bitch.
Thank God for my coffee friends that keep me sane. Shout out to Jill, Shareen and Inang. Thank God for my hubby and kids who never fail to make me all bright and shiny when I’m at home.
Only one thing’s for certain at this point in time. I will not resign from my job without a fallback. I can’t afford to do that.
I’m demotivated, not stupid.
So let’s just wait and see. I know God has something better in store for me. I’ll just pray for strength and moooore patience.